Sri Lanka - 30th birthday in the Suwasevana Hospital Kandy - not my first recommendation for holiday accommodation

Why go see the beautiful beaches of Sri Lanka when you can spend the time in a windowless room of a hospital with cockroaches, ants and frogs hopping across the floor, no way to wash, no toilet paper and giggling nurses doing tours for other patients and their families to see the sick Aussie girl? Beat that for a 30th birthday celebration! I just wish Russell would stop singing the birthday song "happy birthday to you; you smell like a monkey; a really smelly smelly smelly monkey".

The worst part of this hospital is that I was pushed through to the front of everyone else and got to see the Doctor straight away. Whilst part of me was glad as I was feeling so incredibly awful it really did feel wrong as there were plenty of other sick people there. I imagine it was because they knew they'd be charging me 100 times more than anyone else.

After that things deteriorated into a comedic skit. The nurses left the tourniquet on whilst taking blood and trying to insert the IV. Blood was dripping down my hand, onto the floor, all over them and once they inserted the IV line it snaked up to the saline bag. The nurses started to panic and couldn't work out what was going wrong until it reached over and unclipped the tourniquet. I'm now considering a career change; quite clearly I have a gift.

I shared the windowless cell I was in with a plethora of bugs; centipedes, ants, cockroaches, mozzies, fleas, another bug who's official name I believe is "Big Fucker", and also a couple of rather adorable frogs. It was quite clear from the start that I was a source of much fascination in the hospital. So much so the nurses started doing tours to see the sick white girl. Usually about 5 people would wander in; stand near the bed and look at me for a while and then if I smiled or said anything they'd all dissolve into histerical giggles.

The hospital must have been excited that I was there. I think I had every test done known to man. Not convinced the colonoscopy was necessary though. I was surprised to discover that the ultrasound goo doesn't automatically come at a nice warm temperature. If this experience was anything to go by its usual temperature is "holy shit that's cold!" The Doctor told me he didn't want me to leave as I still wasn't well (read: I still had money left in my account that needed to be in his) but after the fiasco with the blood test I decided I was better off out than in.

After self checking myself out of the hospital a kind bird celebrated my new found freedom by managing an admittedly admirable crap that landed on my head, splattered down onto my sunglasses, inside them and into my eye, dribbled down my chin, onto my shirt starting at the breast and ending at the hem, onto my pants with a grande finale on my feet. That is one shit-filled talented birdy (possibly a pterodactyl).